My Mother, My Village

Until I became a mother I never thought about mothers. I loved my mom deeply but I never once thought of all of the mothering she did for me or my siblings. She was just my mom. She just did those things. My parents divorced when I was two. Until the day I became a mom I never thought about what that was like for her. I feel selfish about that now. I could not see all that entailed being a single mom of two young girls. I remember feeling guilty about not acknowledging that to her before. From the get go she has been a whatever it takes mother and it took me 35 years to realize that.

I truly do not know how I would have survived the last three years without my mother. When I became pregnant she became my rock. She has been my support through extremely difficult times.

I still remeber clearly when I told my mom I was pregnant. This was before I even knew I was having twins. It was going to be her first grandchild and I knew how badly she longed to be a grandmother. I told her countless times in my life I never wanted to be a mom and she would have had to wait for my younger siblings. She never let me feel bad for saying my feelings and never once begged me to make her a grandma.

I bought a onesie that said “promoted to grandma” or something along those lines. My husband and I had just gotten home from our honeymoon. We told her we bought her a gift. She opened it nonchalantly, telling us a funny story, and not really paying attention to the gift. When she took out the onesie her jaw dropped. She went speechless (if you know my mom you know it’s hard to get her to stop talking). “What is this?!” She yelped out. I said we’re having a baby and the tears started pouring out of her eyes. She could not believe it. Her eldest daughter, the one who swore off babies was making her a grandma. We hugged, cried, and celebrated.

Later that week I had my first ultrasound. I found out I was having high risk twins. The appointment was overwhelming with a lot of information dumped on me and my husband. I called my mom as we walked out of the hospital and started crying, explaining what I had just been told. “It’s twins. I’m going to be closely monitored. They told me I’m extremely high risk. They mentioned NICU time already.” I was in shock and confused. “You’ve got this honey. I’m here for you.” My mom is one of the few people who can talk me off a ledge when my anxiety starts to spiral.

The week following I was feeling depressed. I was angry that I was in this situation. “Why me?” constantly played in my head. I didn’t even want kids, now I’m pregnant and I’m being told they might not even survive? It was difficult for me to grasp. My mom checked in on me. She let me be angry. She let me scream. She let me cry. She didn’t sugar coat things. She knew this was going to be a road.

My mom stuck by my side throughout my whole pregnancy. When I was admitted into the hospital the week the boys were born my husband asked if I wanted my mom. I said yes. She came to the hospital. I was stuck in a bed attached to monitors, IVs, and wires. I had migraines from the medications I was on. She pulled up a chair and sat with me. She brushed my forehead as she did when I was a child- the ultimate comfort. She knew I was terrified and did her best to keep me calm. She knew it was not a good situation but she did not show it on her face.

The day I had my boys she was there. When my team rushed in to tell me it was time- she ran straight to me and grabbed my hand. She told me “It’s okay. You’ve got this.” She got my husband dressed for the OR. She sat in the waiting room and came straight to recovery after I was there. She went to the NICU with my husband to meet our sons and comfort my husband. She stepped in for me when I could not. She mothered us all that day.

As time went on, my mom spent countless hours with me in the NICU. She witnessed several meltdowns from myself when I was overwhelmed. She saw my tantrums after getting bad news from doctors. She was with me celebrating the milestones and progress the boys were making. She stuck by me through the good, bad, and ugly. She never once passed judgement on me. She fought for my kids right beside me. She held their one pound bodies alongside next to me. She consoled me after hard visits. She was there for care times. The nurses not only became my family but hers. She learned medical terms with me. She saw me become a mother and I saw her become Gigi.

My mom has stepped up to the plate. I never asked her to, she just did. She learned how to take care of not only her daughter as a mother now, but her grandsons who had a lot of needs at the time. She learned about them. She asked questions. She built an amazing relationship with them from the day they were born.

She has gone to countless appointments with me. She has dropped everything when I needed to rush one of the boys to the ER. She has talked me off the ledge and picked me up off the floor numerous times. She’s let me heal the way I needed. She’s taken on a non traditional grandma role. She has sacrificed her time to help me and gives me the breaks I need. She has listened to me time and time again when I am spirialing or talking out what medical issues my son had been going through. She has been my first call after diagnoses. She has been at appointments that have been excruciating. She has always given me sound advice. She is calm in the chaos.

She has taught me that mothering never stops. Your child will always need you throughout their life. She chose me. She chose to be there. She chose to lean in hard and be there for my boys. She asks for nothing in return.

I could not have asked for a better mother. The day I became a mother opened my eyes wide to how lucky I am to have her. To see her become a grandmother has been equally amazing. My sons absolutely adore their Gigi. She has accepted them for who they are. She has the deepest love for them.

Mom- you are the greatest and you have shaped me into the mother I am. Thank you for your unconditional love and guidance and self sacrifice these last 37 years. Thank you for letting me be me, even when I am my worst self. Thank you for sticking by my side and showing up. You have been my mighty village these last three years. I am forever grateful for you. I love you always and forever.